These shoes have walked on other roads
Paths where joy would twist and turn and sing
Now all they do, is an odd shuffle
I know, I know, I’m forcing them to skip.
They do not understand self-help books
Or other cheer-me-up tortures
They are after all feet, but I must confess
A good bourbon always makes them sing
I close my eyes and wish I was away
I am almost, for that split second before the blink
And then my feet stomp, two small stomps, one after another
Poor things, they still haven’t learnt to do a tantrum.
I buy them happy shoes and promise we’ll walk
On roads we love one day
Till then, bright yellow, will cover my sulking feet
And stop them from smelling of sorrow
The safety net has holes in it
Falling through without wings
When I hit the ground
What will my crumbles look like?
Bits of me lying about
Scampering towards each other
Some meet, others don’t
Half ears still hear.
Who is to tell what was better?
I can’t remember the wandering smile
But a part of me misses a part of me
A part of me will forget a part of me.
What will this dance erupt into?
What will the shambles look like?
I don’t think I really care
Pieces have been picked up before.
No gloom, no doom, no nothing
A quiet wait
I watch life watching me
This is the first time we’ve played this game.
Usually, I am giddy-headed and tumbling
Leaping into adventures
Punctured yet joyous happy-loud-thing
Now, a smile is a stretch.
I could sleep a hundred years
But I’m not ready for death, not yet
In the farthest corner of me, a miniscule hope shivers
Waiting for the warmth from the spark in my eyes.
Scratch my nose funny man
Scratch my nose for me
My hands are tied
With ribbons and rubber
So scratch my nose today.
Pull my cheeks grumpy boy
Pull my cheeks wide
You have a wish
I have none
Pull my cheeks today.
Stamp my foot, little girl
Stamp my foot hard
You can walk away
Skip and sing or trip
But stamp my foot today.
Carry me home aunty-aunty
Carry me home with you
You have a basket of vegetables
And meat smells wander in your stomach
Carry me home with you today.
Put me in the treehouse, granny-goo
Jam me in with the smelly snails
There, I’ll watch the world pass-by
Living silly like a leaf before fall
But granny-goo, put me in the treehouse today.
There’s a new nuisance in my head
It’s called ‘happy’, bright and cheerful fucker
You know those annoying types
Saying Morning-Morning, forcing you to smile.
My lovely, intense darkness has disappeared
Oh god, oh god …am I getting boring?
Now I actually have nice things to say
And my tormented, heaving soul HUMS.
Why is this unicorn dancing in moondust in me?
Where is my hell, where are my fears?
Who invited the popcorn and poppins and popsicles?
What is my misery doing in a corner, sneakily changing its clothes?
I don’t think I can handle this much longer
This happy has messed-up my carefully cultivated fuck’dupness
Now, when I try to slash my wrists, flowers bloom
And when I want to cry, I shed smiles.
The sun was telling me tales
Strange, blinding ones
While I followed the road
In dizzying exhaustion.
None of these lead home
Luckily, none of them fall off the earth
I just have to wait and walk in the shadows
Promises pushing footsteps faster than will.
One day, I know I’ll stop
And I hope it will be a different sun
If there has to be a blindness
Please let it be, the one with rainbows.